I'm not feeling compelled to write, just happened to log into gmail and why not.

I've been wondering what to do about the presents. I decided to open them, but waited until this morning so if I feel emotional i can go get it all out at the gym. I'm going to the gym presently.

I'm making a list of the nice things about Pablo so I can remember those too.

I will also, after completing this list and any final thoughts, make a goal of turning over this blog into nothing about Pablo, and cease the unproductive whining/complaining/lamenting I have/am/will be doing for a brief period anyhow. The final words will occur soon and I shall move on immediately.

Perhaps this sounds cold, but I think the on/off black/white all/nothing switch has flipped in Pablo's head through the accrual of unverbalized issues throughout the last 10 months that no amount of butt kicking will alter. So though Akiko says she will kick him in the butt, it will truly be rhetorical.

What else? Not much. Washing bathroom rugs and towels that suffered in an overflown toilet last night (yuck). Going to one gym or another. Plus abs. Then off to John and Jean's to help get ready for the New Year's party. Then gussying and partying.

Then the New Year. See you then.

Not surprisingly

...realizing the depths of issues, personally or between us, that would cause this blog to begin in the first place...we are over, broken up etc.

I'm still in the angry phase.

(He says) We can't be happy together because we are too different and want different things. Case in point, he is climbed out, did way more outdoors activities than he wanted to do this year and less of the stuff he wanted to do like chocolate buffets, museum outings, etc. He considers that I on the other hand want to do more of the outdoors stuff and therefore we will not be happy.

(She says)
On February 27th, I made no bones about two things that mattered in our relationship (1) his ability to lose weight and (2) my desire to climb. I believe this is nearly a quote: "I want to climb all the time. Are you ok with that?"

So first, in the simplest possible terms, he committed to a relationship and sucked up my energy and time because he neglected to evaluate his feelings about my climbing thoroughly.

secondly, he pronounces an unrealized interest in more museum outings, buffets, etc. So far all of these sorts of activities _I_ have instigated. He has not. I have suggested to him that if he wants to dance, to go sign us up for dance lessons. I even left him a coupon. He never did. In fact I even set up the very first dance lessons! I own museum passes and have gone to the museum more than he has. I bought the movie casablanca and set up movie night. I cooked meals for us to enjoy together. I suggested we go see the last movie we saw, just to see a movie. I instigated our trip to Bodyworld, checking and rechecking with him about interest and times. I asked him for an example of when he suggested something, whether we did it or not. He couldn't think of one.

Thirdly, when I ask him, (as in previous post on communication) if HE wants to climb, it is because I am attempting to ascertain what he really wants to do (or not do). If he rigidly refuses to answer the question (which would inform me that he really is not interested in climbing), and instead keeps saying indirectly 'yes let us go climbing!' does he expect me to suggest something else?

In my view, he never took a careful look at the things he wanted and/or never followed through on them. e.g. If he wanted to go dancing, he should have set up a dancing schedule. If he wanted to go to a museum, he should have suggested going to a museum. He never did.

Finally, I believe pablo's version of compatibility is when two people circumstantially happen to want to do the same things most of the time. If we fit this bill, any schedule I laid out he would follow (which is what he's been doing), and he would only as a matter of luck ended up happy. He got mixed up in the middle by simply 'doing' what I wanted to do, thinking it would work out. What he doesn't realize, even though I've encouraged him to air his thoughts, is that he should have vocalized his interests and we could have then compromised on them. But compromise isn't possible without at least two inputs.

A Prediction

If we happen to hash through all these poor communications that occurred today, I expect Pablo will believe the following about the events:

1. I think he flirted with Akiko
2. I'm upset that he flirted with Akiko
3. He's sorry that he flirted with Akiko

This would reveal a complete misunderstanding on his part about the entire discussion. Neither 1 nor 2 is true, ergo 3 is unnecessary, ergo all points are moot.

I also expect that Pablo will recite the following of our communication of the events:

1. If I miscommunicated, I'm sorry, but that is how I am.
2. If that's not good enough, you [the author] shouldn't stay in the relationship
3. "It's in my nature"

All points hearken back to his lack of desire to change.

Self Centered?

Pablo recalls a 'bad period' of a few weeks. I was looking for support and under stress, he was feeling the weight of my stress. I was starting a new job, getting negative feedback from my old job, selling my house, looking for an apartment and fighting off elbow tendonitis as well as reduced performance due to all of the above:"That was a really hard time for me."

After he throws smoking (2 cigarettes a day, in the evening) in my face, as a counter to my frustration that he gained weight (10 pounds in 6 weeks), he hasn't bothered to commend me for quitting smoking December 5th (4 weeks ago).

Condoms and Consistency

When Pablo first expressed interest in dating me (and I in him, at least intellectually) we discussed a variety of things, and he stated resoundingly, as I recall

1. He would like to have a no sex before marriage relationship
2. He didn't believe in having women friends.

That was in 2002. We started actually dating in February 2006.

(2) has come up this year, there was a noteable car ride from NH on the subject of his and Theresa's friendship. He did host her in the early days of our dating and made plans to continue to socialize alone with her. Not really an issue except, to make a long story short, I question what 'resounding statements' are reliable. Being latino, he characteristically infuses a lot of hand waving and passionate, verbose speech. Misleading to a corn fed mid western girl like myself to believe it actually means something. Anyway, jumping to the end of the book, his final protest was 'Can't a guy change his mind?'

Jesus, is that a death knell or what? Didn't he see the next question coming...you do..."What else might you change your mind about?"

This Christmas, he ran out and bought condoms. (I'm now addressing Resounding Statement #2.) Just in case I "change my mind". Meaning that he no longer passionately upholds the abstinence goal. In fact, downholds it, into a flushing toilet, hoping to kill it. Leaving me to try and hold the head above water, by myself, when initially I believed that we would both try to abstain.

And then of course, the Next Question. There is always a Next Question. "What else might you leave me to uphold?"

I will give Pablo two things that he will fight for. 1. Family love (as in, the Acosta's). 2. Acquisition of money.

Beyond those two things, I sincerely can't think of anything else that he will tirelessly work for because he believes or desires it.

*** One last note. Nutrition. On this point, there is no contest that Pablo needs to lose weight, from the pure vantage of HEALTH. Already he experiences knee problems going up and down stairs, had serious gall stones (typically due to a poor diet), and is at least 25 pounds overweight. He is famous among the climbing community for eating exorbidant amounts.

There is example after example of times when I suggest a healthier option such as eating no dessert. (the now historic Harvard Cabin instance was when he said he'd bring fruit and instead brought a large quantity of cake, insisting that his mother 'made him').

Even now, driving from the gym or going to NH, he suggests and chooses fast food burritos with massive quantities of cheese, or sausage breakfast sandwiches on breads with high starch and fat content while I elect yogurt and fruit or a lean meat and veggie meal or reheated nutritional meal at home.

I am not overweight! I don't need to make these choices!

But consider if we were married and cooking and doing the grocery shopping for our kids, would he support making healthy family meals or do precisely what he's doing now...going for the easier, tastier options?

What is the likely scenario? Particularly after days and days of chasing after kids with little free time or choices about how to shuffle that time? The answer seems really clear to me and I don't like it one bit.

Communication 3 "The Boxers"

In response to P joking with A about wearing boxers to a party, being arrested for exposure, etc. I am interested in what he would think if I do the same thing, as I pose in the first email. The dialogue snowballs into an ugly mess of did I upset you, I am disappointed in you if you think I want to flirt with A, the language was confrontational...when I respond to the latter explaining why I didn't think I was being confrontational, he merely says 'are you telling me tough cookies?' rather than explaining to me why he finds my question confrontational.

Q. This is a simple question, but how would you feel if I were making jokes with Mike Mullins about coming to a party in my underwear?

A. I don’t know. I guess this has upset you. I was trying to be funny and think of the opposite of dress up, and that’s what I came up with. My apologies.

Q. not tremendously. less than your not answering my questions anyway! you didn't answer this one either.

A. I did answer it. It was the first sentence of the e-mail. I don’t know.

Q. Let me ask another way then. What is your best guess?We can also empirically test, if you prefer.

A. If you joke about going with a microscopic, sexy Victoria Secret thong or something like that, well, that wouldn’t make me happy. If you joke about granny Smith undergarments or something gross, over-the-top like that, OK. In any case, my muffin top over the ridiculous boxers to me is not very attractive, it’s similar to the second example in my view.

Q. There is a world of difference between "gross" and "not very attractive", you know. Also, I didn't see you referenced anything about muffin tops or attractiveness. The language was flirtatious if you read the text. I think my example would be somewhere in the middle (between VS thong and Granny underwear), and I suspect that you in fact would not be pleased about it.

A. By the way, if you thought that I intentionally wanted to flirt with Akiko, then I’m very disappointed. If you thought that the language was flirtatious but you knew that I didn’t mean to (which was the case), I’d prefer if in the future you let me know in a different way, like “Hey, Akiko could read that message as flirtatious” or something like that. The way you approach the subject was confrontational to me, and I really did not know what you were driving towards.

Q. No, I didn't think you were being intentional.And the email was not confrontational. I.e. I did not say "You are flirting" or "You are doing something I don't like". I asked how you would feel if I acted your way and was looking objectively for an objective response. You chose to assume that I was accusing you of something. That is not my fault.

A. So let’s see, when I ask you if you could approach what you want to tell me in a different way because I feel the approach you have taken is confrontational (to me), your response is, in so many words… tough cookies?

Q. No, I am explaining to you the language and seeing if you understand the difference. An appropriate response from you (instead of the email you just sent) would be to explain to me how my language is confrontational rather than just saying it is.

A. Because your “ask questions” method does not work with me. I am a rational human being, so if just by asking questions you think I would come to see that the e-mail was flirtatious, given that my intent was to be funny but not flirt, I would have not written the e-mail as I did in the first place, I would have figured that out on my own. When you start asking questions I take that you are upset about something I’ve done, but the interrogation do not lead me to see anything, or if it does it is quite protracted and frustrating, ‘cause I can’t see what your point is (in this case, if you were trying to make me see I was being flirtatious, it would have taken years, ‘cause again, I was oblivious to the fact that the e-mail was flirtatious). So if you just come out and say “Hey, the e-mail that you wrote was very flirtatious”, to ME, that’s something I can wrap my head around.

Q.
"I take that you are upset about something" Again, an assumption on your part, ignoring the fact that I said in my second quote that your aversion to answering questions bothered me more than anything!
"If you were trying to make me see I was being flirtatious" I wasn't.
"If you just come out and say 'Hey, the email that you wrote was very flirtatious', to ME, that's something I can wrap my head around" Not if you consider this approach confrontational, which it appears you do, and probably should, since I AM accusing you in this case.

Communication 2 "The Lunch"

Q. Scott wants to have lunch today, I totally forgot. Would you like to join us? around 1 or 12:30?

A. Hum… I’m sure he wants to see you, not me :-).

Q. not true. in any case I asked a question that you haven't answered.

A. As always in these situations, I don’t feel quite right showing up last moment when the original plan you two had was not that. I guess in this instance my desire to see you will override anything else. Where are you meeting?

Communication 1 "The Gym"

(From a man who says "YES" resoundingly when he wants something)
Q. Would you like to climb this week?

A. I'll go.

Q. No, would YOU . . . LIKE to go to the climbing gym this week?

A. I could go.

Q. I'm wondering if you're willing to go because I want to go, or if you'd go by yourself.

A. I could go.

Q.

Wintry Mix

Pablo doesn't want to go out on a moderate White Mountains hike into a wintry mix because it isn't "enjoyable".

Yet he wants to go to Denali.

Though now he no longer has an approximate date to do this.

And yet he calls it a "goal" to go to Denali.

I will postulate that Denali requires training, as for a marathon. Anyone training for a marathon does not go running only when it is enjoyable and continues on this mild track until 'someday' when the necessary strength and endurance has miraculously been dumped upon them through their leisurely and enjoyable excursions.

I conclude that is not the luxury of someone who wants to achieve an advanced physical feat.

I could go on ad nauseum but I will snippet my thoughts.

Holiday Diahrrea

• My brother Joe, a police officer from Keene, crashed a cruiser. Cool.
• I lost Trivial Pursuit to my boyfriend, but by the narrowest margin. This is a success, since normally I would expect to lose by a large margin.
• Trivial Pursuit (Genus III) requires a history of consummate television watching and a memory bank vying for size with the Federal Reserve coffers.
• My sister Mary gave me roughly 2/3 pound for christmas, a ring of scones. That doesn't include the clotted cream and bottle of wine, which might make it an even pound.
• Only Mom, Dad, Majella and I showed up for Xmas Eve midnight dinner. At Mary's. Apparently Pat, Susan, Joe (and others?) assembled in Troy after midnight mass and probably imbibed more than they ate.
• Pat made sure I will see Cowboy Mouth one more time.
• Pat made sure I will take him with me.
• Dad had the best Christmas yet.
• Magdelyn hates Christmas Carols. Apparently only when other people sing them.
• I am plagued by the thought that I'm not good at anything.
• I am ruminating on intellectual love. Conversely, what is a 'crush', if not a guide? And if it's a guide, where the hell is it taking me?
• I actually mailed Christmas cards that arrived before Christmas.
• I am mailing other Christmas cards after Christmas, but I'm pretending they're holiday cards.
• The reason I managed to mail Christmas cards before Christmas was because I wrote them out while driving to Cannon mountain.
• Why don't I have free minutes?
• Why don't I have motivation?
• How is it possible to be unmotivated with no free minutes?
• One can never enjoy too many Old Fashioned cookies with cream cheese frosting, so long as one wears loose pants.
• Why does anyone think 'Christmas for Cowboys' is romantic? It speaks to being cold, uncomfortable, homeless and lonely. I'll take a Chippendale and a hot tub, thanks.
• I had no tree and no decorations this year.It's Dec 28 and I haven't opened any christmas cards. I'm also still shopping for my sister Heidi.
• I've climbed once since December 5th. It was brief in schedule and even so we left an hour early, since my boyfriend didn't want to stay out in the cold (I incorrectly thought he was hurt).
• My boyfriend will never go to Denali. It is possible he will climb Rainier, but not as a team peer or leader.
• I clearly need to find a consistent belayer other than my boyfriend.
• I have been dieting for 2.5 days. This might affect my climbing performance, were I climbing.
• Dieting for me means not eating chocolate or bread. I'm too lazy to seek out other nutrition even when moderately hungry. Food is less worthy of the chase when it doesn't involve one of these food groups.
• My back hurts more than when I started PT one week ago. I am not sure if this is due to performing the PT exercises, performing the PT exercises incorrectly, a new found obsession with back pain or my being emboldened to do more now that I am 'on the road to a cure'.
• James Brown died Christmas Day, hours after insisting he was ready for his scheduled new year's eve show in NYC. He died quietly. "I aint' got the same energy, but I'm sharper." I would like to emulate him, but I can't find a cube neighbor willing to throw a cape around my shoulders right before I faint.
• I've gotten over this notion of ever cleaning the office. It's not about redesigning, but relabeling. "storage room"

Is it worth the effort?

My back aches. This is nothing particularly special. Lots of people experience aching backs. Aching knees. Sore shoulders, ankles, everywhere.

Lots of people, myself included, experience these discomforts because of musculature imbalance and/or inability to control particular muscles. This is not a reflection on the strength of the system, but rather a lack of biomechanical knowledge or innate understanding needed to operate it smoothly. In my case, I have adequately strong abdominal muscles, but could not, when first requested, engage them from a lying position. Note 1: These postulations have been bastardized from my physical therapist's precision groundwork, which I have shamelessly trampled into near death. Note 2: Unfortunately, this medical discovery might reflect poorly on my sexual performance, but fortunately, my boyfriend has tight lips. Read that as you will.

As I daily constrict through abdominal exercises, in my darker moments, I wonder why I bother. Partly because the 2 year old in me is disappointed that these exercises aren't showing my better muscles or allowing me to power through some primal cathartic motion. The movements are simply too subtle in nature and also bring my belly fat closer to my eyes. There are clear material reasons to do PT of course, such as living pain free, climbing, maintaining a healthy spine, blah blah blah. Of course I also wonder why on earth humans need to constantly walk a tightrope to stay healthy and erect. Then I am further pained by the thought that the emotional and survival frameworks of our lives, in addition to the physical structure, also require this sort of balance. Who can desire to live ideally and happily at work and in society without constant checks and balances? After PT, I sometimes feel very tired. Living is really a lot of work.

Catherine considered my so-far faithful execution of abdominal activities nerdy. I protested, saying I was forced to do it, which didn't make it nerdy. She replied that most people wouldn't feel forced to do it, and in fact, wouldn't. Granted, I was tightening away on the kitchen floor between turning my Omaha steaks under the broiler and steaming the asparagus, a function of efficiency, which might be considered nerdy. But that's not what she meant. She meant many individuals, even when faced by the possibility of spinal degeneration and lost quality of living, would still not exercise.

It seems that a person when confronted by the possibility of losing their job or relationship or a dream often reacts the same way. There is a point, even with most of the conscious life before a person, when he or she thinks, 'I can repair this [whatever] that could greatly affect the rest of my life, but the effort is not worth it'. That point in my eyes seems to rush from the horizon far too quickly.

How much is due to (1) shortsightedness and (2) a philosophical acceptance that life will be ok even with the loss?