Status 20070308

WeighIn
107.4

Food Loggie
a few bits of bread pudding, half a strawberry frosted donut [300?] (7-9am)

soup and salad (12:45)

half a cookie (3:30pm)



I feel so off. So off. I think I'm a hypchondriac, but it's true, my trapezius and deltoid are tender and tight from my spine to the outside of my right shoulder and even down my triceps a bit. My spine creaks when I bend. My lower back seized up again today several times on the stairs. And I feel lightheaded and forgetful. Plus I had the 'false start' to my period this week with no sign of followup. It's just all so strange and surreal really.

Something about this sore trapezius makes me cranky too. If it were a foot or a knee, I wouldn't be cranky; it's like it's hooked up to a hormone center or something.

So tonight I will take a long hot bath to relax it all, take some ib, ice the back and the elbow, and get a lot of sleep. No gym of any sort.

Status 20070307

WeighIn
108

Food Loggie
kashi and milk [300] (9am)
2 brownie bites

lunch innards of a chicken sandwich and a salad with 3 olives and some feta. 4x4 segment of a wrap. follow up with broccoli, cauli and hummus. (12:30)

a bite of a peppermint girl scout cookie

wedge of cheese with a few crackers [150] (6:30pm)

kashi dinner [300] 9pm

bread pudding [lots!] 10pm

Status 20070306

WeighIn
106.6



Food Loggie

Lots of all bran and 2% milk [300+] (9:30)

Side salad, small beef and noodle soup with a dollop of yogurt (1:15)

Bite each of coconut cake and pie.
Yogurt and berries [200] (3:45)

Apple and cheese stick [120] (6pm)

Orange salad and thai plus brown rice (9pm)

4 choco medallions and pb (10pm)


I feel so fortunate that I can eat fresh berries in winter. It is such a treat.

Status 20070305

WeighIn
108


Food Loggie

Grilled tuna [350] with one slice sourdough [100] , smear of guac and dab of chipotle mayo, side salad. Pudding [70] = [600?] (12:30)

1/3 c cottage cheese, short cheese stick and pear [200] (4:30p)

chocolate tasting from LA Burdick [?] (8:30pm)

leftover orange arugula salad, thai [] (9pm)

fudgsicle [40] (11pm)


Akiko is a consummate Tarot card reader? Unable to walk, and Matt carries her to a car and drives her home? huh.

In the meantime, powder is magic, wonderful. It is true. There are no friends on a powder day. We are all as one, knowing what is good and wonderful, smiling and laughing, gliding over its slow-mo teflon sweetness.

Status 20070301

WeighIn
109.4

Food Loggie

oatmeal + mini milky way (8:30)

6 m&m peanut (10:30)

salad with chicken a little feta and an olive (12:30)

mini mr goodbar (2pm)

20070228

WeighIn
110.2

Fatty. Nice way to end February.



Food Loggie
slightly smaller portion of allbran and milk (9:30am)

broccoli and half of the leftover pork, rice and beans (12:30pm)

hummus and veggies (3:30p)



Pablo-Like
I have received a 14-page document entitled "Ruminations". Thank goodness it is broken out into sections. I will need to set aside some time to review this and be sure NOT to respond until after the PMS-field has been cleared.



Vanilla-Like

...palate cleanser...mint?

encourage people to do their own baking?

thematically speaking:
Vanilla around the world, source and dish
Pick a presentation: cookies, custards/cremes/sauces, breads/cakes, layered desserts, cheese, beverages, ices/ice cream
Showcase vanilla (your own?) in an unusual way
or
KISS - just bring something with vanilla. =)

Provide a quiver of beans with some info for inspection and discussion?

Guests?

+ something that can be presented in small bites
+ how different beans look. how the flower looks


http://recipes.chef2chef.net/holiday-recipe-collection/vanilla-recipes.htm
http://www.perfectentertaining.com/page1415.html (blueberry and melon salad)
http://www.drinksmixer.com/drink4356.html (hot vanilla)
http://chef2chef.net/news/club/vol8/recipe-club-v8-111.htm (glaze for chicken? corn?)
http://www.recipezaar.com/74663 (mojito)
http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/recipe_views/views/105862 (vanilla bean roasted figs)
http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/recipe_views/views/232119 (vanilla snow)
http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/recipe_views/views/235579 (honey roasted peach and cardamom soup with vanilla sauce)
http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/recipe_views/views/15224 (plums in white peppercorn and vanilla syrup)
http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/recipe_views/views/109329 (paskha cheese)
plus
vanilla sugar

BASES
ices / ice cream
cremes / custards / puddings / sauces
cakes / bars / cheesecakes / layered desserts
cookies / truffles
beverages
fruit salad?

ORIGINS
mexico
asia

Status 20070227

WeighIn
108

Food Loggie
all bran and milk [200] (9am)

taco salad [650] (12:30pm) --picked off a little sour cream, guac, shell (1280-700)

s&b cheese and crackers, blueberry creme bar and ice cream, a little pie, a mini brownie, a mini lemon bar, helping of chili with some shredded cheese, half a roll and half a bread slice, hummus and veggies (all evening)


- - - - - - - -

I was proud of myself yesterday.

DaveG and I were warming up at Metro Rock. Dave warms up at a rather lower number than I, but mostly I go along with it. I figure it can't be bad for me.

After a 5.8, he wanted to try an even lower number, a 5.7- right next to the campus board. We ran into Casey there, Sylvia's old climbing partner, engaged in controlled and powerful training.

I already know this guy kicks butt. Plus he's cute. Even if he has a girlfriend, you still want the cute athletic guy to admire you.

Dave offered me the rope after he did his first run up the 5.7. I wanted to put it down and go do something else, something harder, something not near the cute climbing god on the campus board.

Oh pride, you suck.

The Babysitter's Here - Babbling About Man Choices

Being with Pablo may not be the right choice.

"She says do me a favor don't go with a guy who would make you choose." [Dar Williams, The Babysitter]

I feel that he will always make me choose. And insist that he never wants to make anyone choose. And both will be true.

I mean, even when he wrote the first email after we spoke, talking about getting back together, there was some presumption that if I had plans to go back to school that might interfere with dating. "I propose we take it from there (and it’s OK if you want to just be and and/or go in a different direction and/or feel that you’re going to another place in your life), I’m sure you have other thoughts, concerns, fears or ideas of what you want to do, particularly in light of the exciting (in my view) developments that you briefly mentioned."

I risked dating because I felt he was so completely committed, because we were so in tune. That is less true. on the committement front, obviously, since he broke up. Secondly on the in tune front, because he certainly said the things I had hoped to hear, but changed (women friends, sx, lofty goals).

Had I not made the initial risk, knowing what I know today, would I do it now?

The things he said when we last met that encouraged me in terms of a reunion were points such as 'I would come home and do all the dirty work'. But I know he wouldn't. He simply can't deal with all day action. He said so himself, when he said 'I don't know when you get downtime, or how, [but I can't do that]'. The scenario he describes means no downtime for him. I just don't think it's realistic.

And I don't mind someone who needs downtime. I actually stand to benefit from a person like that. But it needs to be someone who is candid about it, not sneaking it in guiltily, but assured in their needs and even encouraging me to do the same...not because it would assauge their guilt in sitting on the couch, but because they think it would be nice for me.

Pablo is who he is. He is.

He admits that losing weight is hard for him. Yeah, maybe he'll be at his proper weight. I don't think it's likely, but it won't be for long. And I simply won't be attracted to him. And that would be bad. I know that.

What do I lose when I lose Pablo?

for sure:
Stability
Baby-makin'
Career motivation/support
Someone who has occasional interest in opera, museums, music, dance
Homebody
Family guy
Adoring


things I thought were for sure, but am not so sure:
Consummate father figure
Steadfast moral principles
Would help out all he can with cooking/cleaning/laundry/etc
belayer


what do I lack being with Pablo?
Someone to share goals and adventures with. (This was once in the for sure column, but has plummeted, I believe).
Like Chris and Micha, work out in the morning, go for a moderate hike, then down for dinner in the evening.
Pablo would find this wearing. We go skiing, and he sits like a lump for the entire evening.
Someone with steely resolve
Someone who tasks ME to follow through. I like a rabbit!
Cares about how he looks (how has his obsession with food affected me? how would it affect kids? if he can't do it for me, would it do it for them?..)
Offers critical feedback
Communication.




What I want:
Financially sound
Adventurous, tireless
People friendly
Communicative. Open.
Self confident
Self knowledge
Likes/wants kids
Interest in the being of things, the reason for them.

Status 20070226

WeighIn
109

Food Loggie
all bran and milk [250] (9:30)

leftover mahi mahi with rich couscous and fresh green salad [?] (12:30)

carrots and hummus (3pm)

100 cal south beach bar [100] 5pm

blueberry granola bar [?] 7pm
toast and cheese [140] 7:15pm

yogurt [100] 10pm
blueberry granola bar {?] 10pm
toast and pb [200] 11pm



Fantastic weekend. Hiking with Micha, Chris and Gavin. Up Sandwich Mountain again. Again. But that's ok. It keeps the drive short and the tension of the unknown low.

Weekend food, loosely
Probiotic cereal on the way up, pb sammich and a couple chocolate covered strawberries on ye olde mountain, then rene bean's birthday party. There was a conch fritter, a little hummus and pita, slight diving into the tenderloin, rice and beans, then a mad fight for three desserts between five people. =)

I ate three REALLY BAD donut holes on the way to NH.

Then probably three cookies Michelle made. They were even hard and crusty from sitting out. I suck.

Sunday was in the same vein. well, I did eat a donut for breakfast but that was it. While skiing I had a non-exciting luna bar, an apple with some p.b. Ok. Then out to Olive Garden with Mom Dad Majella and Father Steve. F.S. talks entirely too much. He likes to hear himself talk. It got a little tiresome. So I ate another piece of bread. Mom, Jelly and I did share dinner, I had a little soup and plain salad with two breadsticks. And 2/3 of a gelato, effectively.

Were it not for those cookies, I wouldn't feel SO awful. But that was just dumb eating.

Status 20070223

WeighIn
107.8

Food Loggie

probiotic cereal and milk [275] (9am)

borscht [80?], broccoli+cauli [50], cottage cheese [90] = [220] (noon)

mini kit kat [73] (2pm)

apple and yogurt [180] (5:15p)

--- total before akiko's party = [750] ---

Akiko's party:
two small brownies, two chicken satays, 1-2 lemon bars, healthy amount of salmon ball with veggies, a glass of wine, a bit o' hummus, two cheesy philo things. Probably more.


cilantro = coriander

Elder-woman-ism

I was mildly horrified when it arrived fresh from my subconscious that I judge OLDER WOMEN who smoke. If I'm walking outside and see an old man or a young man or a young woman smoking, I smile, perhaps wish I had a puff-puff myself.

When I see an older woman smoking I actually think, "How irresponsible!" or "I can't believe she's doing that to herself!"

Where the heck does that come from?

Status 20070222

WeighIn
108.6

Food Loggie
Yogurt [100] + blueberries [70] = [170] (9a)

Laugh Cow wedge [35] + small pear [65] = [110] (10:45)

small portion couscous, chicken, broccoli + 70cal pudding [300](12:30)

Apple [80] + cheese stick [50] = [130] (2pm)

------ 710 -------


Thai chicken, veggies and brown rice grilled in sesame oil with miso soup and salad (6p)

Heart chocolate [35] (11p)

Trivial Thoughts

Who wants to save amphibians?

There are 6000 species of amphibians on the planet, amongst them newts, salamanders, toads and frogs. 2000 of them are in imminent danger of extinction from a fungus that affects the gaseous exchange between their skin and the water. It inhibits the pores causing the frogs to die of dehydration This may already have killed 170 species in the last decade. This fungus originates from an african frog that was used for pregnancy tests in the 1940s. Basically when this frog is injected with a pregnant woman's urine, it will create eggs itself. It was used in hospitals and labratories everywhere, so they believe that the fungus is pervasive. It could affect many types of amphibians, including a giant rain forest earthworm called a caecilian, 3-4 feet long, that slinks underneath the rotting woods and leaves on the ground. Ick.

There is a project underway called Amphibian Ark, so someone cares.


Mean people teach.

You have to be empathetically diabolical to teach. You have to make people hurt to push their limits. Mentally and physically. And in pilates. Good god, these sweet, soft spoken, curvilicious dancing ladies do the most horrid things to you, and then laugh with the most endearing tinkle. How is this possible? Chris R enjoys playing the bad PT I think, but these woman leave him looking like a cookie baking grandmother. No kidding.


Skiing vignette

Last weekend at Wildcat, as I started down a bumpy run, a young girl picked her way down in parallel. We simultaneously stopped a few bumps in to assess the future and recover from the past, when the young girl's friend perched uncertainly at the top of the run hollered down, "Where are you going?" The girl told her friend to ski around and meet her at the bottom, the dialogue continued, and I continued down a bit more. I looked back up to see the friend flying over bumps on her butt. Getting up, wedging over an icy trough, then sliding sideways and down again. We were about halfway down the run when the girl yelled to her friend "WHY did you come this way?" The friend fell just then and slid on her behind from mogul to mogul at a steady speed, yelling back as the bumps jarred her voice "b-b-b-because i wan-an-ted to be-e-e with you-oo-oo!"

I couldn't help but laugh at the artless, affectionate response. The girl smiled. "You're gonna kill yourself!" The friend laughed. We all survived.


Gates That Keep You IN

The last time I worked at Millipore in Bedford I was finally issued a temporary badge so I could come and go as I pleased. I delightedly drove past the guard station and parked in the back lot and approached building F from the rear. I ended up working late that evening and waltzed out around 7:01pm to see two huge gates chained together, blocking my exit. Before I started breathing again, I noticed a man standing next to the chains that bound the gates, and he started walking towards me.

As he said, "You're lucky I waited for you. It's cold out here!" As it turns out, the lot is locked shut every night at 7pm. It's a long walk to Malden from Bedford!


Spoiled Apples and Oranges

Mr. Eastland has horribly disappointed me. I finally saw the other side of him, and he is heavy joweled, grumpy looking and has an ENORMOUS potbelly. {ref Jan 25, 07 post}

Status 20070221

WeighIn
109

Cat, Phil Walcutt and I feasted at Helmand last night. Yum for afghan food, lamb pallow, chicken challow, pineapple cake, fried baby pumpkin and cardamom! Viciously deliciously good ice cream with dessert. I polished off the entire thing. I really don't think that's so bad though. What I find disturbing on many levels is that I followed it up with half of a leftover chocolate chip pancake that had been sitting in the car all day. So vulgar.

I am often startled by how delicious broccoli can be. Once the adrenaline ebbs I come to my senses and realize that ice cream is really much better.

Anyway, it is easy to feel fat on such a delightfully sunny day. The little winter birds were more vociferous than usual. I caught a Norman Rockwell moment when two garbage men laughed together over a trash can. The african american particularly stood out; his even chocolate face profiled against the melting snow, his smile wide and friendly.




Food Loggie

all bran [160] + milk [100] = [260] (9:15)

borscht [80?], broccoli+cauli [50], cottage cheese [90] = [220] (12:30p)

half grapefruit [50] + yogurt [100] = [150] (3:30)

blackberries [50] (3:30)

luna bar [180] (6:00)

small apple [70] (6:30)

dinner of broccoli, couscous and thawed chicken, small portion [250] (10:00p)

toast and pb [200] (11p)

TOTAL 1380

Status 20070220

WeighIn
107.4



Food Loggie

1.5 pancakes and a fried egg [450?] (7:45am)

Bear Hill Poblano Salad [350] (12:30)

half grapefruit [50] (2:30)

cottage cheese [90] + clementines [60] = [150] (6p)

Helmund share 2 apps, 2 entrees, my own dessert plus half pancake [A LOT] (9p)

Status 20070219

WeighIn
106.6



Food Loggie
5 grapes (8:30am)

probiotic and milk [300] (9am)

buff chix 5oz raw [160], tabouli [?150] and salad [?30] + small pear {50?] = [400?] (12:30)

2 mini bite of fudge[30] (1:45p)

yogurt [100] and 1 cup grapes [110] = [210] (4pm)

as of 5pm = 940, or just round up and say 1000 in case that tabouli was more than you expected

dove chocolate [50] (6pm)

crackers and cheese [150] (7:30pm)

broccoli and 1/2 thai leftovers (10pm)

hot cocoa [150] (11pm)



Job Prefs
I prefer small tasks to big ones, i.e. big research projects, not so much. I get bored, demotivated. Is it a matter of breaking it down, or wanting instant gratification in the broader view?



Pablo Thinking
I don't know what to think of Pablo.

What if things don't work out?

What if Lori is right, that I need something different in the person I'm with? I tried to think of a person who sort of met my ideal of 'passion for life'. Maybe Geoff, but maybe someone who doesn't eat quite so much too. =) And I'm not sure if it's that Pablo doesn't have a passion for life, it's just perhaps not MY passion for life. I fear that we don't align very well, once he realizes where his true interests lie.

I also wonder what the truth of his work experience is at this juncture. I felt before that they expected a lot of him; and he was moving remarkably fast through the ranks. On the other hand, he WAS a straight A student at MIT, even though it took him longer to graduate, though Charlie does admit he gave him a really challenging project. He doesn't lack the intelligence.

But why is everything gone mad now? He pushed out a family of five products way fast, brilliant expectations, and now everything is crazy. All sorts of problems and expectations. Was he less than thorough? Did he get tired of the excitement and novelty? What about his superiors...shouldn't they have seen this arriving?

I think I haven't written partly because I was sidetracked and obsessed with the food thing. Also I am perhaps afraid of facing my questions and doubts.

Status 20070218

Leek pie and a sausage (8:30am)

oatmeal [175] and peanut butter [100] = [275] (noon)

luna bar [180] (2:30p)

mcdonald's cheeseburger and fries [550] less some fries and bread [-75?] = [475] (7:30p)

salad and 1/2 of thai leftovers (10p)

toast with pb and jelly [200] (11p)

Status 20070217

Probiotic [170] + soy milk [140] = [310] (7:30am)

2 munchkins [110] (9:15am)

peanut butter sammich [100x2 + 200] + apple [80]= [480] (daytime)

orange [80] + 1/4 c milk [40] = [120] (5p)

= [1020] as of 6p

leek pie and salad for dinner, a little cheese on bread, a couple chocolates, brownie sundae = [a lot!]

Status 20070216

WeighIn
108.4

Food Loggie
chocolate coconut pancake [250] + 1 fried egg [100] = [400?] (8am)

bertucci's side salad, minestrone, half a roll [500?] (1p)

yogurt and grapes and strawberries [175?] (3:45)

**very rough estimate as of 5:30pm = 1100 calories

1/3 tgif fajitas + 1/2 brownie sundae (8-9p)

couple nuts a bite of cereal three blackberries

2 chocolate hearts and a truffle [120?] (11pm)

Status 20070215

WeighIn
106



Food Loggy
1 T slivered almonds [35], homemade 1% yogurt [100], strawberries [50] = [185] (9a)

orange [90] and babybel [50] = [140] (11:20am)

half of thai beef hanoi + scoop of ginger ice cream and some sticky rice dessert [600?] (1:40p)

Cheese stick [80] and strawberries + grapes [50] = 130 (7:15pm)

Salad [50] two buffalo tenderloins [150?] 1 T lite blue cheese dressing [30] serving couscous [130] = [390] )10p)

Two heart chocolates [70] and a Burdick mouse [80?] = [150] (10:45p)