Status 20070111

Elbow: Climbed last night at metro, not above a 5.9, and elbow feels no worse. Glimmeringly glimmery, which is almost imaginary.

Back feels a'right. Sitting and standing. Granted, I have not overexerted recently, because...

Viral Gastorenteritis has scarred my stomach. There is lingering churnage post meals.

Weight (thank you VG): 106.2

Writing: clearly

Reading: one fruit a night ("The Anatomy of Dessert")

Careering: I have reviewed the Focus test results, received the Meyers Briggs test, assembled a list of PT career questions and gained some insight onto prereqs and education.
Next Steps through the weekend:

1. Take the MB test and arrange a review with a counselor
2. Study three careers from the Focus results, with rework if necessary
3. Interview Lori

Music: no.

Socializing: yes. With good results, Laura offered to climb with me, CG is interested in joining for trad in Red Rocks, and of course I expect to benefit from that ever nebulous achievement: "exposure".

Discoveries: Hot AllBran and soy milk is actually pretty good. Redbones is not far from MetroRock...Route 16 becomes Harvard Street and there ya're. The late night menu starts at 10pm and includes dripping cheese fries, mmmmmmmm. There is a Burberry outlet in Wrentham and I want to go shopping.

Straight from Ricky's Mouth

I think what Pablo gains is avoiding the pain of continuing to disappoint himself and you, as he must have recently realized the relationship wasnt what he wanted. you 2 were very close friends for so long, and that was great, and he thought it would be as free and easy as it was before. but it never is. once people are a couple they have higher expectations. these higher expectations usually come from women, and men are caught off guard and/or resistant. just a guess, but he probably hopes to find someone who lets him slide more. someone either with lower expectations or someone who doesnt express them, and quietly hopes for the best. that's not you. in this way, you are different kind of people (but this is a relatively common male/female dynamic). if he had more relationship experience, he would have seen this coming and been better able to deal with it. i am just beginning to understand these dynamics myself, based on my own experience and observations of others.

Sacrifices

Teaching us to make sacrifices and telling us it was a good thing built in us an interest, not in masochism, but in self control. I now associate satisfaction with the ability to turn down something I want, as an exercise of the will.

An example is my current choice to walk by the chocolate bowl but refuse to dip into it. I derive a weird pleasure from the aceticism. Of course, the day I tire of this particular exercise, I will derive a masticatory pleasure from the bowl as well. =)

"He's the one who made the decision"

Ricky looked at my stony face and suggested "Sometimes the person who makes the decision makes it even knowing that he'll feel awful. But I guess you might not understand that."

Not true, Ricky Poo. Of course I understand it. It's the decision I made twice before. I had two boyfriends before. In my case the decisions caused sufficient misery to remain single for over two years, and they were made over substanative moral principles, i.e. "Thou shalt not cheat."

I believe P made his decision over much smaller points (I won't call them principles, the use of that qualification here is dubious). These points, however I try to approach them, appear to be related to laziness, misunderstanding or pride. And while I can certainly understand someone terminating a relationship over these points, I have less respect for someone who would.

I Dared To . . .

. . . drive down the Alewife Brook Parkway and Memorial Drive while consuming a hot cup of chunky chicken soup. The cup was styrofoam, flimsy and completely occupied.

It was so daring, I didn't even have the bandwidth to feel exhilirated, but certainly satisfied, at least in retrospect.

A Matter of Finding the Problem, Not Solving It

I like solving problems, and really get into it once I start, but find starting difficult. Gaining traction or initial motivation is a weakness of mine. (It might be a weakness common to humanity, I am not sure since I seem to know many motivated people.) If I am told to go fix a particular problem I do well. I would like to decipher where this lack of motivation stems and fix it, or at least find how I can work around it (somehow create infrastructure that places problems before me in a must-do arrangement. List making is not sufficient. Perhaps I thought it would be).

Experience is Not Due

I must strive to be receptive to, not demanding of, life experiences. I have perceived life experiences like a small child who is first delighted by a gift, then demands the gift, then finally, through understanding and discipline, is (hopefully) grateful for the gift.

Reception implies openness to even those gifts that might not appeal to me. This matters since the Intent of the offering is important, as well as an acquired Appreciation for the gift with the assistance of time and exposure.

Examples: Believing I am entitled to an experience like marriage or motherhood or A Chance at the Spotlight. Conversely, perhaps I think I should be immune from experiences such as being laid off, being dumped or giving something my all and still failing.

I think I should prepare for anything, but expect nothing.

New Career Questions and Plans

YOUR FEELINGS ABOUT YOUR CAREER
How many years have you been in this field?
How do you keep up with advances and new ideas in care? Does your practice offer additional training and support for this?
Do you feel that you are stimulated and have opportunities for learning in your career?
What skills or strengths do you feel have benefited you most in this job?
What do you like most about this job?
What do you like least about this job?
What do you find most interesting about your job?
What do you find least interesting about your job?
Do you feel as if constant patient interaction depletes your energy?
If so, how do you balance your personal needs with giving your best to your patients?
Do you feel as if you are respected by 1. your patients 2. your peers 3. others in health care? 4. persons in other fields with equivalent education?
Would you advise someone to start a career in your field?
What are the toughest problems and decisions that you face?
Do you travel at all?
What is a typical career path for this field?

WORK ENVIRONMENT, BENEFITS AND OUTLOOK
What does your job description include?
Can you tell me about the structure of your work place and a typical day there?
What is the spectrum of patients you see?
Do you feel that you are free to make necessary decisions and act on them?
Is there collaboration between you and your peers?
How are the hours? The flexibility of making them?
Do you feel the pay scale is appropriate to your expertise? What is the entry level and long term expected salary for this area?
How has the shrinking health care $ affected you, as well as increased regulations?
Do you feel confident about your ability to find work and the growth of this field in general?
What is the most important requirement for getting a job now? or for being advanced?
Do you see major changes and developments ahead in your field?

IN YOUR ESTIMATION
Do you think I have appropriate skills and strengths to succeed in this work?
What do you think would be my greatest weakness in this job?

EDUCATION
What university did you attend for your graduate degree?
Can you tell me about the experience? Committment, years, final projects, courses vs practicals.
What was the entire cost of your graduation education?
Was aid, need or merit based, available?
What was your undergrad degree and supporting coursework? Do you feel it effectively prepared you?
My understanding is that volunteer work is highly valued and sometimes required when applying to a graduate program. Could you recommend ways to pursue volunteer positions in this area?
Do you have other suggestions on methods to improve likelihood of acceptance?
What letters of recommendation do you think would be most favorable?
What are currently considered the best programs (universities)?


PLANNING
Test GRE
Career fitness test evaluation
Shadow program
Volunteer
MB testing
Letters of recommendation
Hiding $$
prereqs: Anatomy and Physiology, Stats, Psychology (Chemistry, Physics, Biology, Math, English)
Speak with Lori
Speak with Roberta
Speak with Thomas
Speak with Matt Kostek
Speak with Chris Ramsey
Speak with Liz Fuller
www.apta.org

WHAT I WANT
More interaction with people
Less corporate pushing
Help people directly
Never work again
Flexibility
Advanced degree
Learn something new
Human systems

Objectivity in Art

Last night I saw "The Onion Cellar", a Dresden Dolls performance, at the Arrow Theatre with Akiko and her friends Ann and Liz.

Akiko doesn't (allow herself to) react emotionally to externali. On the rare occasions when she does I think she is intrinsically disappointed. I think that is why she is such an excellent fan and critic of the arts. While most observers permit themselves to enjoy and judge a performance by relating it to their personal experiences, fears and joys, she remains pristinely objective.

Allowed to be Mad

Richard said "hey, you are allowed to be as mad as you want in this situation..."

Whatever that means in his head, he knows it is comforting to me and would be to most people. Such a good friend Ricky is.

I think it is comforting to me because (1) I know he doesn't think I'm a jerk or a bad person for being mad and (2) it allows me to feel less guilty on Pablo's account about being mad.

I suppose I feel guilty thinking I should feel more bedraggled and teary-eyed. I'm not since I'm decanting some pissiness in lieu of some of the mopiness. I'm not sure why this guilt would exist.

Note: Richard said Pablo is more upset than ever before.

North Dakota Patchwork

Margaret prevaricates. Yes, she does.

A funny thought...who sees more dirt than your exterminator? According to Francis, no one!

Grandma says in her first marriage to Stephan, they gave each other the silent treatment, sometimes for a couple days. Then she married Charlie, who said he didn't like that. So she stopped. She says that when you talk (instead), sometimes it isn't good because you might say hurtful things, but that is almost as bad as the silent treatment.

The lilt of the shower head is optimally placed at the upper part of the neck. This is why I love my Grandmother's bathroom. Regular bathrooms have the lilt at the crown of my neck. Some bathrooms (like Steph's) I am not even able to reach the showerhead.

Virginia's banana bread was provided with chocolate chips and in all shapes to please different consumers: mini muffins, normal sized muffins, and bread. After the armies of muffins I lined before my gaping hole, it was convenient that I contracted gastroenteritis (aka stomach flu, aka 24-hour flu, though it technically isn't a flu) and was subjected to a period of liquid dieting. Virginia is in school and has difficulty making ends meet, she could only drive part way home for the holidays on account of fuel costs. She does love baking however, and pays for her kitchen supplies by selling off carmel rolls to the boys in her dorm.

About Gene:

• Dad and Gene walked to town when they were about 11 years old to look for a job. Town was about 10 miles away. Grandpa got nervous since they were gone about a half day and searched everywhere for them, including the creek, fearing they had drowned.
• Gene wanted to buy a Peterbilt truck. The price tag was abotu $4500, more than he had. But the owner permitted him to borrow it. He brought it back to the farm and gave the kids rides in it. He went out west shortly before Christmas and picked up a load of timber, and overloaded it. He figured this load would generate enough cash to pay for the truck. Unfortunately he was pulled off onto a weigh station and was told in order to leave he had to pay a fine of $1500. He didn't have the money, so he left the truck there, fully loaded, for the owner and station to dispose.
• Grandpa never loaned money to anyone. But somehow, Gene talked him into loaning him a couple thousand for his wedding.
• Gene went to the Yukon twice. The first time he brought back gold and cashed it out for $5000. When he went back up, he bought some serious machinery, including a sluice. Grandpa saw the rig when he came to visit.
• Gene had pretty much talked Peggy and Ken into moving with him to Colorado. In the last minute they changed their mind, so he went out with Sue. Eventually, Sue refused to live there anymore, so they came back.
• When Gene was a young kid, under 14, he was caught by a police officer driving down the ditch of the highway. The officer asked him why he was driving down the ditch. Gene replied, well, because I don't have my license!
  

What does Paul Vetter do for work? No one knows. Not even Paul.

Everyone goes home for lunch. Everyone. A twenty minute commute would be intolerable.

Marvin insists that leaps of technology in the last century indicate the end times. Catherine suggested that bio advances such as cloning might be why he has this opinion. But he was primarily talking about electricity.

Margaret went to Mexico City in December. She flew into Chicago the night before with her friend Juanita and the hotel restaurant was closed. So they took a $6 cab to Target and bought dinner there.

Steph is an interrogator. Her children are aloof. Interesting.

Berta says that her patients such her energy away. That she has no interest in interacting with humanity afterwards. She enjoys the work but is seeking a way to do it half time (therapy in the morning)

WHEN YOU VISIT:
Stay longer than 2-3 days
Plan a card night at Grandma's. It should be a long night and involve everyone.
Insist on definite times to leave/arrive places.
Fly to Dickinson, if possible (via United?)

Work a day

The triumverate of plate-bowl-spoon energized by my mobility circulated a pleasing chime.


He placed his mouse on the left side of his laptop, then turned around to plug in the LAN line.
She saw this and nearly asked "Are you lefthanded?"
Then she thought, the only reason to ask that question is to alleviate impatience. I prefer an immediate verbal response over acquiring intelligence on my own. If I simply wait a few seconds I will see him mousing and writing and can assess for myself if he is left-handed.
So nothing was said.
He returned to his laptop and moved the mouse to his right hand.


As the meeting neared the halfway mark, Steve declared worridly, "We're starting to run out of time". I think that happened when we started the meeting.

Travelling People

Lipstick the darker side of red. Tall unscuffed boots, impeccable tweed coat to mid thigh, wavy red hair neatened into a soft knot perched back from freckles, pinstripe pants, coach clutch and a bandaid. The bandaid is vertically aligned below the left earlobe. She plays with a folder on career development embossed with complex graphics. As she leans her head to the right, a dimple appears in her subtly working cheek (she is nervous?) and the bandaid strains slightly, leaving the skin around it faintly pink.


Perfectly coated in long tailored blue wool, her squinting, dry face rose above like a modern phoenix from the ashes of a sun stained middle-aged peasant woman. Perhaps her bosom heaves so joyfully when she laughs because somewhere evolutionary memory appreciates her escape from serfdom.


Why does a man with such big (red, alert) ears need such large ear phones? unless he is exulting the caricature.


Weathered woman with too black hair bites off a pinch of fingernail, thoughtlessly pushing it between and around her lips and teeth.


The line was stopped abruptly to allow the bottleneck to clear. A middle aged man ahead of me sighs, "Well, I will put this down" and places his briefcase on the floor. When the attendant signs us to move forward again, the man leans to pick up the briefcase and in doing so knocks the boarding pass from my hand. First it drifts, then settles, and I lean down to pick up the pass, thereby subjecting my face to an uncomfortable grazing by the heavy briefcase moving back upwards.

PT Instructions for Back

Complaint
I have a backache. This is manifested by a soreness in the sacroiliac joints (the two nubs on either cheek, near the top, on each side of the spine), and increasing soreness up into the midback along the spine, along with sharp pains when moving between positions (i.e. sitting to standing, standing to sitting, lying down, and sometimes just turning towards something) and also when standing for long periods of time (i.e. at midnight mass, at a museum exhibit or a New Year's party). Heels are definitely uncomfortable.

Response

This is what I understand from one analysis session and two follow-up appointments:

The pain is caused by a looseness in the sacroiliac ligament, primarily on the left side. This ligament, unlike many others, doesn't have a corresponding muscle, so there is pretty much nothing to be done about it. It can't be 'tightened back up'. This ligament is in the posterior of the body and its loose state permits more than normal motion to occur between each ilium (the ilia are broad bones that form the upper part of the hips) and the sacrum (large triangular bone at the base of the spine, the bottom of which connects with the coccyx). This extra lumbar motion translates to extra spinal motion which causes aching further up the spine.

Core control will help to prevent the excess motion. It is not additional strength that is needed, but control. Of secondary importance is endurance.

History

Q. Why did it happen now? Did something trigger it? Was it loose originally or did it become loose as a result of poor core control? A. Unknown

Sensation

Q. What exactly is causing the SI discomfort? A. The excessive motion against the sheath is irritating, much like bending a finger backward, towards the top of the hand, against resistance.

Q. What is the 'smooshiness' described earlier, when there was little resistance upon pressure being applied at the hip? A. This is due to the looseness of the sheath of the join, it fails to offer a normal amount of resistance.

Q. What causes the spinal discomfort further up? I realize it is the additional motion, but what is happening to the parts of the spine? A. Overactive lumbar muscles trying to stabilize the spine. Without the help of the abs, they are overworked, overfiring and eventually, overtired.

Future approach

Why is it only abdominal control we are seeking (and only rectus, not transversus)? Do they comprise a huge percent of the core muscles and we are looking for large gains? Or is it because it is the lowest muscles in the band that we really want to control and there are no opposing muscles for the lowest abs?

Q. Is running simply a bad idea...or would it would be ok to pick up form from someone knowledgeable? A. It is ok to run, particularly if you take more and shorter steps per minute rather than long strides. Just working on ab usage is a great way to work on form.

Generally speaking, how to learn good biomechanics. How to teach to children, for example.

Exercises

In the exercises, want to achieve a posterior tilt by using the abs. Belly will be out, ‘pulling the belt buckle toward the chin’. There should be no assistance from the glutes or hams (the only other muscles that can do this). One way of assessing this is to avoid an increase in pressure from the feet to the floor.

Q. Why do I experience difficulty relaxing my neck when performing exercises? A. Even Chris gets some tension here. The idea is to continue to work to diminish the effort coming from other body parts, and this includes the neck.

 Upper abs (intercostals too?) seem to be more sore. Assume it is ok since the goal is to engage the abs with as little help as possible from other muscle groups.
It is better to use the glutes and hams to start then ease them out of the helpful phase rather than achieve less pelvic tilt right off by trying to eliminate them altogether.

#4 - There should be no change in the pressure on the feet from a completely relaxed pose all the way through the exercises. Start in a rest, engage abs to cause a posterior tilt, then lift head/shoulders to compare the degree of flexation. Lift every 10 seconds. As of Jan 2: Do only three reps of 30 seconds with 15 second intervals. This is to remind yourself where the abs are before proceeding with other exercises.

#6 –. In this exercise, I want a posterior tilt but from the abs. Enough to bring a mild pressure on hands placed flat at the small of the back. There should be no change in the pressure on the feet or the small of the back, either side. Also make sure foot settles on floor before raising the other foot otherwise you’re basically executing a leg lift against which the pelvic tilt can not be maintained by the abs. Focus on the obliques here as well to keep the hips up and stationary (see oblique exercise below). Biggest issue at this point is maintaining that tilt. Be vigilant.

#18 – I am not performing this correctly; not feeling the stretch where indicated. The ‘hip pinch’, to be avoided, is about the only response I can achieve. Maybe there is another way to think about this one. This is due to not needing to stretch the glute. So don’t do it if you don’t need it. Also pull the knee up to the outside, more flush with the shoulder, not directly over the right/left breastbone.

#19 – Q. Why does lifting both legs cause back strain? This explanation likely applies to an understanding of why leg lifts are bad. Are situps also bad? A. No, situps are ok. Better to do them without pinning down the feet though. Leg lefts cause the back to arch because the abs aren’t doing the pulling as they should. According to Chris, only 1% of the population has the ab strength and control to perform these correctly. The hip flexors are big & strong and tend to do a lot of the work (also known as the ‘iliosopas’, a muscular conglomerate the thickness of a wrist?).

New Exercise for Obliques (15 each side?)
(1) Lie on back and engage rectus abdominus to achieve a pelvic tilt. (I believe in addition to keeping the tilt, it's also important to keep the hips immobile while performing this exercise. In fully constricted position the hips should still be flat, no torquing should apply below the waist)
(2) Arm #1 flat out at about 45degrees from body.
(3) Arm #2 under head with lower arm perpendicular to the line of the body. This puts the arms roughly in parallel
(4) Energize obliques to bring the body on Arm #2 facing sideways.
(5) Keep in mind that obliques perform opposite function – to keep the hip from falling. Your symbol: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX. Should be constricting from the lower oblique to the inner/upper oblique on the opposite side
(6) Relax relax relax, the arm, the neck

During the week and before/after each PT session, elliptical for 10”
(1) Aim for a scissor kick rather than the round rolling action of an elliptical trainer
(2) Short strides
(3) Engage pelvic tilt throughout
(4) Clasp hands behind with straight arms to feel unwanted motion in the SI.
(5) Relax neck, shoulders, hands.
(6) KEEP PELVIC TILT


Bridging
Bridging requires that pelvic tilt too, however, it is achieved without the stomach coming out, that's not possible in this position.

Thumb on lower ribs, other four fingers together with middle finger on the hip bone. As the tilt occurs you should feel the finger and thumb distance close.

Can never truly get to a "flat bridge", because an arch inserts itself there. Come just short of that bridge.

The further the feet are from the butt, the less cramping will occur on the hamstrings. There is a property of muscles like the hamstrings that extend over more than one joint that causes them to cramp the more they constrict. (I believe that's what Chris said).

Use a mirror if you can't 'feel' the left hip moving about.

Maintenance
Pay particular attention to the transitions from leg to leg on opposing lifts. Anticipate the abdominal needs. Once you need it, it's too late. This particularly applies to running.

You should always feel like you're pushing the limit of doability and really have to think about it. Otherwise you're not working hard enough.

"Hook Lying Bent Leg Lift" 30 total (or 15 each side)
To increase the difficulty, bring one leg up and KEEP IT THERE. Now bring the second leg up to meet it. Now lower the second leg.

Another way to increase the difficulty is to keep more space between the knees.

Also, perform the exercise faster.


"Bridging with Leg Lefts" Arm position would be with elbows out, so upper arm is perpendicular to the body line, and forearms/hands are straight in the air. Then alternate legs as in the previous exercise. It is very easy and natural to fall out of the bridge while doing this, everything will start to sag and cede to gravity.

To increase the difficulty bring legs further away from each other. In all cases you are seeking to feel no torque on the arms.

Status 20070104

Chocolate still turns my head.

A liberating revelation: I am going to be ok.

Weight: 107.4

Climbed: last night. First time in two weeks. Second time in a month. Downclimbed everything. 1.5 hours, 2 5.9s, the rest lower grade. Elbow glimmered (under 1) during one climb. Ok for the rest of the evening.

Bio Status Current: Back slightly sore, elbow a little funked today. 1.5-2 in flashes. Flash stopped when I relaxed the shoulder though. Interesting.Back slightly sore, elbow a little funked today. 1.5-2 in flashes. Flash stopped when I relaxed the shoulder though. Interesting.

James Joyce-isms

Apparently James Joyce carried around a little pad of paper and wrote down hundreds of short observations about people around him. He would later use this for character development. here we go:

Short, round man with placid eyes furrows his brow.

Plump and brisk near-retiree with red hair sings and hums show tunes while looking at spreadsheets. then breaks off in the middle with 'oh my god! stupid stupid stupid!'

Tall, attractive and young upper management guy in the next cube giggles uncomfortably.

Extraordinarily long hair compensates for eccentricly long torso, but both forgotten when one focuses on either end...the designer leather boots and the broad smile lopsided due to the cocked and interested head.

Friends Say

Richard said that I'm not 'easy', most men couldn't be with me. However, he adds that I'm the kind of woman he likes. ?

Catherine says the real reason we broke up is because Pablo feels inadequate around me. Even if he knows he doesn't have to 'keep up', he would still feel bad if he couldn't.

Gibbering

I wonder how much of my preoccupation with food will dissipate now without being around Pablo.

So far, I notice it is not as difficult to avoid the chocolate bin here on Epsilon's 4th floor. In fact, I have done so successfully for about a week now. Unprecedented. Although I just recalled that I wasn't an entirely picky eater at the New Year's Eve party. There was yet some obsessive lingering around the buffet table. I will ask the following questions anyhow:

1. Did Pablo 'consciate' this lust in me by his own obsession?
2. Am I merely less drawn to chocolate because I'm in a slump? (don't think so, I'm craving FOOD, I am not experiencing a lapse in appetite, but it bears mentioning)
3. Am I more motivated to lose weight when I'm not with Pablo, because I perceive more potential for performance gains or being attractive to other people?
   

I dislike this childish urge in me to stare at everyone's pelvic tilt. Hopefully most aren't noticing; I know some are.

I am trying to walk around as if I am suspended by a taught line by my pelvic bone to the ceiling. This involves dropping the shoulders down and back in a relaxed position, rather like a cartoon of a fat, loose man. I wonder if I look as silly as I feel.

How is it that I read a book last night with a strong character appearing by the name of 'Pablo'? Damn Porter for recommending it.

Status 20070103

After abs work yesterday and fells run today, my back is feeling pretty good. Perhaps due to lowering the basic exercise of holding the pelvic tilt from 10 reps to 3.

But my hips ache. Although that started a week ago or so. Maybe due to the 'useless stretch'.

Will re-evaluate after a week of NOT doing the useless stretch.

Elbow is pretty much unnoticed. A glimmer occurs now and then, perhaps twice today so far, but just a glimmer.

I have snacked on 'raw' cereal for a good portion of today. I would've thought it was too boring *, but I am either desperate for salivary consolation even in sandpaper form or need the nutrition.

* Nature's Path Organic Heritage Heirloom Whole Grains Fiber Low sodium Spelt Quinoa Kamut Oats What Barley and Millet Per 3/4 cup serving: 110 calories, 1 g fat, 23 g carbs, 6 g fiber, 4 g sugar, 4 g protein

Condolences and Compliments

Catherine pointed out that receiving compliments can be akward in the same way that receiving condolences is. One feels uncomfortable when receiving a condolence, but at the same time appreciates that the giver is expressing the sentiment.

Part of poise and confidence is being able to receive both gracefully. I.e. when someone asks me if I'm ok, rather than THINKING any (combination) of

1. am I that transparent?
2. that person noticed me!
3. shit, I'm really not ok, am I?

and STUTTERING some unintelligable mutterings which sound precisely the same and could be either (or both) of the following:

1. Doing a'ok
2. Feel as if I just didn't survive trampling from a herd of buffalo.

Maybe I could just look the person in the eye and be ok with SAYING,

1. "I'm going through a difficult period right now, and I appreciate that you asked."

Yeah, that would be good. Now to perform under pressure *.


* It occurs to me that gaining social poise under pressure can use a similar approach to gaining physical poise. It must be trained. Practice. Socialize more.

People to Emulate

• Catherine H - Unusually perceptive and unafraid to share her true opinion. Explorative and relaxed. Knows how to make a good cup of coffee or tea and is always happy to make one for you.
• Akiko K - Who realizes the true darkness of the spirit, dislikes the knowledge, but overcomes it. Always there when you need her. Elevated awareness of mental and physical self, of beauty and of grace, of sensation. An assessor, an understander.
  
• Julia M - Curious, intrigued, explorative. Persistant beyond pain. Delighted by the quirks of humanity, including herself. She is fond of many, and dances delicately through the complex web of frustrations that lie individuals, managing to remain out of interpersonal business while still remaining inquisitive and interested. She gets off the pot.
  
• Ricky D - Awareness, tolerance for discomfort without complaining. Great sensitivity.
  
• Mom - She gave birth to 9 kids. And raised them. And is constantly worried about them. Has made great strides in overcoming her natural aloofness and lack of confidence. She maintains a passion for gardening and an attendance to each of her many plants and their history that is admirable.
  
• Dad - A man who appears that he came 'as is', but in fact is repeatedly subjegating his faults and never complaining, so you'd never know his weakness or his sacrifice. An explorer who is comfortable in his own skin.
  
• Hope N - Serious but sunny. She knows how to focus on people and is sensitive to their difficulties without babying them.
• Grandma Gen - She truly realizes the misery of failure and forgives anyone for doing it. She loves without question. She is happy without question. She never forgets a lost one, but remembers everything with a good light or moral.
  
• Becky B - A woman who keeps her troubles to herself while nearly begging to hear about yours. Always a ready ear, an objective but kind suggestion and a hug.
  
• Rene P - A consummate lady who can pass gas and giggle in private. Takes on enormous responsibilities with aplomb, raising and supporting three boys, nursing second husband through his death, taking care of sister Anna, with a set jaw, no complaining, and leaving room to smile.
  
• Jean S - Unflappable, an undeterred optimism and a constant smile, strong of mind and will, accomplished, personal charm and grace, an empathetic ear.

2007 "I will..."

Relax
Be kind to others
But avoid being stepped on or taken for granted. (Somewhere in here is this: Catherine says I am only 'selfish' in the manner that someone states their preference for a restaurant when everyone else says they don't care where they eat. The only problem is when you get yelled at later because someone really DID want to go elsewhere)
Demonstrate my love to my family.
Have confidence in my knowledge and abilities, and be unafraid to voice my opinions, experiences, concerns, frustrations or ideas.
Seek out new persons; socialize with them.
Not be afraid to date. (Catherine wants to be with someone; I am afraid to be with someone.)

Develop a career in my current field
OR
create a new one. I.e. physical therapy.
Present at a conference

Manage finances
Manage e-storage

Get eye surgery
Learn to dress well.
Groom regularily.
Wash and dress with care before exiting the house at any time.
Hold myself with confidence and excellent posture.

Crystallize my thoughts, whether in sports, at work or in simple tasks.
i.e. really understand what a goal or an idea is. For PT, when I sat down to write down the summary of my understanding from Chris, I realized there were a lot of holes. "No holes" is the motto.
Focus on every small task, to it's very last flourish (e.g. Arno Ilgner)

Read one good book a month
Play the piano once a week
Write (blogging is adequate)
Get a passport
Automate the recipe book in opensource
Write a story for the NE book
Present in front of audiences more

Do 12 pullups
Lead hard trad 10s.
Lead hard sport 11s.
"Go high" again

Maintain a weight of 105-107 (1 month of proper eating should get you there)
Develop abdominal control
Balance with my eyes closed in a completely relaxed phase; balance on my toes while doing foot circles
Maintain healthy shoulders, elbows and ankles.
Stretch
Destroy athlete's foot
Attend pilates regularily
Run a half marathon (as climbing permits)

Find a climbing partner(s)
Find a community or person(s) out west to launch my sabbatical interests.
Help out with the rock course
Experience new vegetables
Take a class about something novel
Chocolate eating will be deliberate, not reflexive. Food shalt be taken seriously, not eaten in passing or whilst running through the mall. Thus it shall be enjoyed properly.

[1/19/2007]
Commute on a bike

2006 "Outstanding questions"

What is the balance between intellect and fireworks? I've seen both work. I'm not sure I've seen intellect fail.
How do I feel about (1) God (2) religion?
How do I feel about committing to a farm share?
Do I want to go west?

2006 "Firsts"

Sold my house
Sought and committed to a leased apartment
Lived within 10" of Boston
Dated a guy based on intellect, not attraction. And the relationship neatly terminated within the same year.
Bought a new car - without ever test driving that model.
Donated an old car to charity.
Sought a new job using a resume, not relying on accidents.
Wrote a termination letter to my old job.
Was served and enjoyed a whole cooked fish.
Climbed to 14K. C

Compiled a family recipe book.
Flashed a sport 5.10d
Did all the moves on a sport 5.11a.
Redpointed trad 5.10a after repeated falls.
Took my parents out to dinner in Boston.
Enjoyed High Tea, with my mom, my roommate and my roommate's mom.
Ate at a chocolate buffet.
Saw the Magic Flute at the met.
Saw plastinated bodies at Bodyworld exhibit, Museum of Science.
Owned a Museum of Fine Arts membership (saw Ansel Adams and the 2006 Paris Fashion Show with it too!)
Contended with an overflown toilet
Sent christmas cards...before christmas.
Went on a bouldering vacation.
Sent a V4 highball.
Spent an entire day working a problem to send it (the V4 highball).
Ran a turkey day race.
Ate celeriac
Ate leeks
Ate mustard on my sausage
Made ice cream. Plum and cinnamon with vanilla beans.
Watched casablanca
Designed and painted a road sign
Watched my dad build a road
Learned that dad doesn't like salmon because of his brother Gene's tragedy.
Learned that my dad was a picky eater.
Went to the Dacks
Realized labor and delivery isn't scary, but commitment to utter body change is daunting, though worth overcoming.
Started smoking, evenings only. Then stopped.
Learned that a miscarriage is horrible, but there is something worse.
Opened a champagne bottle properly. 10 minutes before the end of the year.
Enjoyed an x course meal at a highly rated restaurant, with wine pairings.
Managed to not feel too guilty about the bill.
Made creme brulee. With bananas.
Ate Afghan. Then cooked Afgan (pumpkin and lamb stew). Delightful.
Backed off a climb
Experienced spider mites
Made yogurt. But always imperfectly.
Got a farm share. One drop, and a winter one. But a good start.

Dawning of the (Working) New Year

I woke up early, at 6:30am, so I could get to work early since I have PT this afternoon. I figured I could leave the house between 7:15 and 7:30, arriving at the Wakefield office before 8am.

Everything was going smoothly, the coffee was ready, the hair was neither too wet nor too dry for styling, everything was ready, prepared. I put on my coat, filled my pockets with the usual cell phone, blistex, house keys, car key...no, wait, there was no car key. I executed a hasty search but couldn't find it. Nearly inconceivable when I habitually place it on one of two obvious surfaces every time I enter the house.

Ensued a long hour of frustration, imbecilic tears, one undirected but external outburst of anger, terse responses to Catherine who was helping me. Every urge I have that I despise and generally suppress came out somehow this morning over the idiotic loss of a car key. My behaviour can't be considered in isolation, of course, considering the recent events, but it was still so awful.

Cat was an angel, helping in the search despite my aloof encouragements otherwise, even going through the trash.

I looked everywhere. I literally couldn't think of another place to look. Catherine left. I called AAA, remembering I had kept a backup key in the glove box. I then regained some composure for the first time in an hour and rationalized that I should turn on my laptop and do what work I could until AAA arrived. Then I found the key at the bottom of one of my many bags. I had looked in this bag already, but perhaps not thoroughly since I hadn't used it all weekend. But there it was, resting unconstricted between a magazine and the wall of the bag, as if I had thrown it carelessly in the bag for future use. This is probably exactly what happened.

I feel broken. Even Lisa B asked if I felt ok. I didn't. She asked if it was because of car problems. I laughed. I didn't know what to respond.

Scraplets

Encourages me to go to med school...but thinks climbing makes me too unavailable?

Said wanted to climb x days and hike y days, met neither x nor y, but still felt over-outdoored?

Talking Friday in the car, when he wanted to go to bodyworld on Monday, I resisted, and Denali discussion...break up ensued.

The Good Things

What I have so far:

1. Compliments and makes feel attractive
2. Organized my cds
3. Brings flowers
4. Tries
5. Reviewed resume and supported ambitions
6. Worked to overcome latino inclinations
7. Brought ice packs for sore back
8. Massaged back
9. Brought care package when sick
10. Helped with Dad's sign into the wee hours
11. Text messages
12. Made coffee every morning at his house
13. Always put away the futon in the morning at my house
14. Made sure the car/house was warm enough

Sentiment Defined

(with professorial points to AK)

The uncontrollable reminder of a person based on some object, place, etc, but devoid of emotion.

Example: a cheese hat from Green Bay (ChrisE), or driving on Harvard Street towards Powderhouse Rotary (JeffP).

I'm not feeling compelled to write, just happened to log into gmail and why not.

I've been wondering what to do about the presents. I decided to open them, but waited until this morning so if I feel emotional i can go get it all out at the gym. I'm going to the gym presently.

I'm making a list of the nice things about Pablo so I can remember those too.

I will also, after completing this list and any final thoughts, make a goal of turning over this blog into nothing about Pablo, and cease the unproductive whining/complaining/lamenting I have/am/will be doing for a brief period anyhow. The final words will occur soon and I shall move on immediately.

Perhaps this sounds cold, but I think the on/off black/white all/nothing switch has flipped in Pablo's head through the accrual of unverbalized issues throughout the last 10 months that no amount of butt kicking will alter. So though Akiko says she will kick him in the butt, it will truly be rhetorical.

What else? Not much. Washing bathroom rugs and towels that suffered in an overflown toilet last night (yuck). Going to one gym or another. Plus abs. Then off to John and Jean's to help get ready for the New Year's party. Then gussying and partying.

Then the New Year. See you then.

Not surprisingly

...realizing the depths of issues, personally or between us, that would cause this blog to begin in the first place...we are over, broken up etc.

I'm still in the angry phase.

(He says) We can't be happy together because we are too different and want different things. Case in point, he is climbed out, did way more outdoors activities than he wanted to do this year and less of the stuff he wanted to do like chocolate buffets, museum outings, etc. He considers that I on the other hand want to do more of the outdoors stuff and therefore we will not be happy.

(She says)
On February 27th, I made no bones about two things that mattered in our relationship (1) his ability to lose weight and (2) my desire to climb. I believe this is nearly a quote: "I want to climb all the time. Are you ok with that?"

So first, in the simplest possible terms, he committed to a relationship and sucked up my energy and time because he neglected to evaluate his feelings about my climbing thoroughly.

secondly, he pronounces an unrealized interest in more museum outings, buffets, etc. So far all of these sorts of activities _I_ have instigated. He has not. I have suggested to him that if he wants to dance, to go sign us up for dance lessons. I even left him a coupon. He never did. In fact I even set up the very first dance lessons! I own museum passes and have gone to the museum more than he has. I bought the movie casablanca and set up movie night. I cooked meals for us to enjoy together. I suggested we go see the last movie we saw, just to see a movie. I instigated our trip to Bodyworld, checking and rechecking with him about interest and times. I asked him for an example of when he suggested something, whether we did it or not. He couldn't think of one.

Thirdly, when I ask him, (as in previous post on communication) if HE wants to climb, it is because I am attempting to ascertain what he really wants to do (or not do). If he rigidly refuses to answer the question (which would inform me that he really is not interested in climbing), and instead keeps saying indirectly 'yes let us go climbing!' does he expect me to suggest something else?

In my view, he never took a careful look at the things he wanted and/or never followed through on them. e.g. If he wanted to go dancing, he should have set up a dancing schedule. If he wanted to go to a museum, he should have suggested going to a museum. He never did.

Finally, I believe pablo's version of compatibility is when two people circumstantially happen to want to do the same things most of the time. If we fit this bill, any schedule I laid out he would follow (which is what he's been doing), and he would only as a matter of luck ended up happy. He got mixed up in the middle by simply 'doing' what I wanted to do, thinking it would work out. What he doesn't realize, even though I've encouraged him to air his thoughts, is that he should have vocalized his interests and we could have then compromised on them. But compromise isn't possible without at least two inputs.

A Prediction

If we happen to hash through all these poor communications that occurred today, I expect Pablo will believe the following about the events:

1. I think he flirted with Akiko
2. I'm upset that he flirted with Akiko
3. He's sorry that he flirted with Akiko

This would reveal a complete misunderstanding on his part about the entire discussion. Neither 1 nor 2 is true, ergo 3 is unnecessary, ergo all points are moot.

I also expect that Pablo will recite the following of our communication of the events:

1. If I miscommunicated, I'm sorry, but that is how I am.
2. If that's not good enough, you [the author] shouldn't stay in the relationship
3. "It's in my nature"

All points hearken back to his lack of desire to change.

Self Centered?

Pablo recalls a 'bad period' of a few weeks. I was looking for support and under stress, he was feeling the weight of my stress. I was starting a new job, getting negative feedback from my old job, selling my house, looking for an apartment and fighting off elbow tendonitis as well as reduced performance due to all of the above:"That was a really hard time for me."

After he throws smoking (2 cigarettes a day, in the evening) in my face, as a counter to my frustration that he gained weight (10 pounds in 6 weeks), he hasn't bothered to commend me for quitting smoking December 5th (4 weeks ago).

Condoms and Consistency

When Pablo first expressed interest in dating me (and I in him, at least intellectually) we discussed a variety of things, and he stated resoundingly, as I recall

1. He would like to have a no sex before marriage relationship
2. He didn't believe in having women friends.

That was in 2002. We started actually dating in February 2006.

(2) has come up this year, there was a noteable car ride from NH on the subject of his and Theresa's friendship. He did host her in the early days of our dating and made plans to continue to socialize alone with her. Not really an issue except, to make a long story short, I question what 'resounding statements' are reliable. Being latino, he characteristically infuses a lot of hand waving and passionate, verbose speech. Misleading to a corn fed mid western girl like myself to believe it actually means something. Anyway, jumping to the end of the book, his final protest was 'Can't a guy change his mind?'

Jesus, is that a death knell or what? Didn't he see the next question coming...you do..."What else might you change your mind about?"

This Christmas, he ran out and bought condoms. (I'm now addressing Resounding Statement #2.) Just in case I "change my mind". Meaning that he no longer passionately upholds the abstinence goal. In fact, downholds it, into a flushing toilet, hoping to kill it. Leaving me to try and hold the head above water, by myself, when initially I believed that we would both try to abstain.

And then of course, the Next Question. There is always a Next Question. "What else might you leave me to uphold?"

I will give Pablo two things that he will fight for. 1. Family love (as in, the Acosta's). 2. Acquisition of money.

Beyond those two things, I sincerely can't think of anything else that he will tirelessly work for because he believes or desires it.

*** One last note. Nutrition. On this point, there is no contest that Pablo needs to lose weight, from the pure vantage of HEALTH. Already he experiences knee problems going up and down stairs, had serious gall stones (typically due to a poor diet), and is at least 25 pounds overweight. He is famous among the climbing community for eating exorbidant amounts.

There is example after example of times when I suggest a healthier option such as eating no dessert. (the now historic Harvard Cabin instance was when he said he'd bring fruit and instead brought a large quantity of cake, insisting that his mother 'made him').

Even now, driving from the gym or going to NH, he suggests and chooses fast food burritos with massive quantities of cheese, or sausage breakfast sandwiches on breads with high starch and fat content while I elect yogurt and fruit or a lean meat and veggie meal or reheated nutritional meal at home.

I am not overweight! I don't need to make these choices!

But consider if we were married and cooking and doing the grocery shopping for our kids, would he support making healthy family meals or do precisely what he's doing now...going for the easier, tastier options?

What is the likely scenario? Particularly after days and days of chasing after kids with little free time or choices about how to shuffle that time? The answer seems really clear to me and I don't like it one bit.

Communication 3 "The Boxers"

In response to P joking with A about wearing boxers to a party, being arrested for exposure, etc. I am interested in what he would think if I do the same thing, as I pose in the first email. The dialogue snowballs into an ugly mess of did I upset you, I am disappointed in you if you think I want to flirt with A, the language was confrontational...when I respond to the latter explaining why I didn't think I was being confrontational, he merely says 'are you telling me tough cookies?' rather than explaining to me why he finds my question confrontational.

Q. This is a simple question, but how would you feel if I were making jokes with Mike Mullins about coming to a party in my underwear?

A. I don’t know. I guess this has upset you. I was trying to be funny and think of the opposite of dress up, and that’s what I came up with. My apologies.

Q. not tremendously. less than your not answering my questions anyway! you didn't answer this one either.

A. I did answer it. It was the first sentence of the e-mail. I don’t know.

Q. Let me ask another way then. What is your best guess?We can also empirically test, if you prefer.

A. If you joke about going with a microscopic, sexy Victoria Secret thong or something like that, well, that wouldn’t make me happy. If you joke about granny Smith undergarments or something gross, over-the-top like that, OK. In any case, my muffin top over the ridiculous boxers to me is not very attractive, it’s similar to the second example in my view.

Q. There is a world of difference between "gross" and "not very attractive", you know. Also, I didn't see you referenced anything about muffin tops or attractiveness. The language was flirtatious if you read the text. I think my example would be somewhere in the middle (between VS thong and Granny underwear), and I suspect that you in fact would not be pleased about it.

A. By the way, if you thought that I intentionally wanted to flirt with Akiko, then I’m very disappointed. If you thought that the language was flirtatious but you knew that I didn’t mean to (which was the case), I’d prefer if in the future you let me know in a different way, like “Hey, Akiko could read that message as flirtatious” or something like that. The way you approach the subject was confrontational to me, and I really did not know what you were driving towards.

Q. No, I didn't think you were being intentional.And the email was not confrontational. I.e. I did not say "You are flirting" or "You are doing something I don't like". I asked how you would feel if I acted your way and was looking objectively for an objective response. You chose to assume that I was accusing you of something. That is not my fault.

A. So let’s see, when I ask you if you could approach what you want to tell me in a different way because I feel the approach you have taken is confrontational (to me), your response is, in so many words… tough cookies?

Q. No, I am explaining to you the language and seeing if you understand the difference. An appropriate response from you (instead of the email you just sent) would be to explain to me how my language is confrontational rather than just saying it is.

A. Because your “ask questions” method does not work with me. I am a rational human being, so if just by asking questions you think I would come to see that the e-mail was flirtatious, given that my intent was to be funny but not flirt, I would have not written the e-mail as I did in the first place, I would have figured that out on my own. When you start asking questions I take that you are upset about something I’ve done, but the interrogation do not lead me to see anything, or if it does it is quite protracted and frustrating, ‘cause I can’t see what your point is (in this case, if you were trying to make me see I was being flirtatious, it would have taken years, ‘cause again, I was oblivious to the fact that the e-mail was flirtatious). So if you just come out and say “Hey, the e-mail that you wrote was very flirtatious”, to ME, that’s something I can wrap my head around.

Q.
"I take that you are upset about something" Again, an assumption on your part, ignoring the fact that I said in my second quote that your aversion to answering questions bothered me more than anything!
"If you were trying to make me see I was being flirtatious" I wasn't.
"If you just come out and say 'Hey, the email that you wrote was very flirtatious', to ME, that's something I can wrap my head around" Not if you consider this approach confrontational, which it appears you do, and probably should, since I AM accusing you in this case.

Communication 2 "The Lunch"

Q. Scott wants to have lunch today, I totally forgot. Would you like to join us? around 1 or 12:30?

A. Hum… I’m sure he wants to see you, not me :-).

Q. not true. in any case I asked a question that you haven't answered.

A. As always in these situations, I don’t feel quite right showing up last moment when the original plan you two had was not that. I guess in this instance my desire to see you will override anything else. Where are you meeting?

Communication 1 "The Gym"

(From a man who says "YES" resoundingly when he wants something)
Q. Would you like to climb this week?

A. I'll go.

Q. No, would YOU . . . LIKE to go to the climbing gym this week?

A. I could go.

Q. I'm wondering if you're willing to go because I want to go, or if you'd go by yourself.

A. I could go.

Q.

Wintry Mix

Pablo doesn't want to go out on a moderate White Mountains hike into a wintry mix because it isn't "enjoyable".

Yet he wants to go to Denali.

Though now he no longer has an approximate date to do this.

And yet he calls it a "goal" to go to Denali.

I will postulate that Denali requires training, as for a marathon. Anyone training for a marathon does not go running only when it is enjoyable and continues on this mild track until 'someday' when the necessary strength and endurance has miraculously been dumped upon them through their leisurely and enjoyable excursions.

I conclude that is not the luxury of someone who wants to achieve an advanced physical feat.

I could go on ad nauseum but I will snippet my thoughts.

Holiday Diahrrea

• My brother Joe, a police officer from Keene, crashed a cruiser. Cool.
• I lost Trivial Pursuit to my boyfriend, but by the narrowest margin. This is a success, since normally I would expect to lose by a large margin.
• Trivial Pursuit (Genus III) requires a history of consummate television watching and a memory bank vying for size with the Federal Reserve coffers.
• My sister Mary gave me roughly 2/3 pound for christmas, a ring of scones. That doesn't include the clotted cream and bottle of wine, which might make it an even pound.
• Only Mom, Dad, Majella and I showed up for Xmas Eve midnight dinner. At Mary's. Apparently Pat, Susan, Joe (and others?) assembled in Troy after midnight mass and probably imbibed more than they ate.
• Pat made sure I will see Cowboy Mouth one more time.
• Pat made sure I will take him with me.
• Dad had the best Christmas yet.
• Magdelyn hates Christmas Carols. Apparently only when other people sing them.
• I am plagued by the thought that I'm not good at anything.
• I am ruminating on intellectual love. Conversely, what is a 'crush', if not a guide? And if it's a guide, where the hell is it taking me?
• I actually mailed Christmas cards that arrived before Christmas.
• I am mailing other Christmas cards after Christmas, but I'm pretending they're holiday cards.
• The reason I managed to mail Christmas cards before Christmas was because I wrote them out while driving to Cannon mountain.
• Why don't I have free minutes?
• Why don't I have motivation?
• How is it possible to be unmotivated with no free minutes?
• One can never enjoy too many Old Fashioned cookies with cream cheese frosting, so long as one wears loose pants.
• Why does anyone think 'Christmas for Cowboys' is romantic? It speaks to being cold, uncomfortable, homeless and lonely. I'll take a Chippendale and a hot tub, thanks.
• I had no tree and no decorations this year.It's Dec 28 and I haven't opened any christmas cards. I'm also still shopping for my sister Heidi.
• I've climbed once since December 5th. It was brief in schedule and even so we left an hour early, since my boyfriend didn't want to stay out in the cold (I incorrectly thought he was hurt).
• My boyfriend will never go to Denali. It is possible he will climb Rainier, but not as a team peer or leader.
• I clearly need to find a consistent belayer other than my boyfriend.
• I have been dieting for 2.5 days. This might affect my climbing performance, were I climbing.
• Dieting for me means not eating chocolate or bread. I'm too lazy to seek out other nutrition even when moderately hungry. Food is less worthy of the chase when it doesn't involve one of these food groups.
• My back hurts more than when I started PT one week ago. I am not sure if this is due to performing the PT exercises, performing the PT exercises incorrectly, a new found obsession with back pain or my being emboldened to do more now that I am 'on the road to a cure'.
• James Brown died Christmas Day, hours after insisting he was ready for his scheduled new year's eve show in NYC. He died quietly. "I aint' got the same energy, but I'm sharper." I would like to emulate him, but I can't find a cube neighbor willing to throw a cape around my shoulders right before I faint.
• I've gotten over this notion of ever cleaning the office. It's not about redesigning, but relabeling. "storage room"

Is it worth the effort?

My back aches. This is nothing particularly special. Lots of people experience aching backs. Aching knees. Sore shoulders, ankles, everywhere.

Lots of people, myself included, experience these discomforts because of musculature imbalance and/or inability to control particular muscles. This is not a reflection on the strength of the system, but rather a lack of biomechanical knowledge or innate understanding needed to operate it smoothly. In my case, I have adequately strong abdominal muscles, but could not, when first requested, engage them from a lying position. Note 1: These postulations have been bastardized from my physical therapist's precision groundwork, which I have shamelessly trampled into near death. Note 2: Unfortunately, this medical discovery might reflect poorly on my sexual performance, but fortunately, my boyfriend has tight lips. Read that as you will.

As I daily constrict through abdominal exercises, in my darker moments, I wonder why I bother. Partly because the 2 year old in me is disappointed that these exercises aren't showing my better muscles or allowing me to power through some primal cathartic motion. The movements are simply too subtle in nature and also bring my belly fat closer to my eyes. There are clear material reasons to do PT of course, such as living pain free, climbing, maintaining a healthy spine, blah blah blah. Of course I also wonder why on earth humans need to constantly walk a tightrope to stay healthy and erect. Then I am further pained by the thought that the emotional and survival frameworks of our lives, in addition to the physical structure, also require this sort of balance. Who can desire to live ideally and happily at work and in society without constant checks and balances? After PT, I sometimes feel very tired. Living is really a lot of work.

Catherine considered my so-far faithful execution of abdominal activities nerdy. I protested, saying I was forced to do it, which didn't make it nerdy. She replied that most people wouldn't feel forced to do it, and in fact, wouldn't. Granted, I was tightening away on the kitchen floor between turning my Omaha steaks under the broiler and steaming the asparagus, a function of efficiency, which might be considered nerdy. But that's not what she meant. She meant many individuals, even when faced by the possibility of spinal degeneration and lost quality of living, would still not exercise.

It seems that a person when confronted by the possibility of losing their job or relationship or a dream often reacts the same way. There is a point, even with most of the conscious life before a person, when he or she thinks, 'I can repair this [whatever] that could greatly affect the rest of my life, but the effort is not worth it'. That point in my eyes seems to rush from the horizon far too quickly.

How much is due to (1) shortsightedness and (2) a philosophical acceptance that life will be ok even with the loss?